Cassandra "Caz" Stark

I need to…

Wait no.

I need to…

Wait. Again! No…

I choose to share my experience with needing-to.

That’s better.

More than anything right now, I need a sense of certainty. I need a break. I need a breakthrough. I need to rest.

Wait. Fuck. I did it again. Let me rephrase.

I need rest. I need solace. I need a chance to meditate on nothing and everything all at once.

I need all of this because I have spent far too much of my life entwining my self-worth with my work.

Unwinding myself from the self-worth definition of click-through rates and revenue was one thing. Honestly, that was hard enough. Unwinding myself from going to market with something that truly comes from within me and is my literal work? Pffft.

The last thing I need right now is to add to my need-to’s. Why is it that, as human beings, we fall so hard for the human-doing aspects of life? The more we feel we aren’t getting done and the more we feel stands in our way, the more we gaslight the hell out of ourselves with “need to’s.” FUNCK that BS! Truth is, you don’t “need to” anything. Ever. For anyone. Including yourself. And that’s why as long as you talk to yourself with need-to speak, the logical side of your being is like, “Ha! Imma show you exactly what you aren’t going to get done right now.”

It has been no secret to me over the decades that the reason I would write books and not publish them is that I wasn’t there yet. I was not yet capable of unwinding myself from what it meant to be a successful writer.

Today, people literally quantify what success as a writer is. But I choose not to subscribe to that BS (belief system). With work, I’ve gotten a lot stronger on what beliefs I can ascribe to that actually help me, motivate me, and make me better without also being a detriment to anyone around me.

I believe in sharing. I believe in helping. I believe in putting myself out there. I believe in creativity and art. I believe there’s no box for any of it and no follower count that satisfies it. Arguably, the more popular you are, the harder it is to stay true to your own definition of success. That’s another thing for another story. For now? I’m working on the need to.

Because the work I do can easily be described as “entirely about other people,” it is easy to lose yourself in whether or not others are getting better. The thing is, that’s a surface excuse. That is actually a cliche. I know the truth is I have had outstanding feedback from the people who have started their BeMo Practice or individuals I have worked with. The practice is received with many “exceeds expectations” accolades. In fact, I need to choose to remind myself of that when I try to write it off with the surface excuse of “losing myself.” I think where a lot of mental health professionals get lost in expressing is that we also need help.

I don’t want to create in a vacuum. I need insight. I need eyes. I need motivation. I need inspiration. I don’t want to be defined as the person who has all the answers because the truth is, I am sharing my learning as I learn right along beside everyone I work with. If we aren’t learning, we aren’t growing. If we aren’t willing to admit we don’t know it all, we aren’t open to more of the things that are important – the connection with each other, the understanding, the seeing, the hearing.

I have outstanding support. Like many, I forget to utilize it. I get stuck in what I need to rather than getting honest with the love, certainty, and growth needs that I have and how, at the center of all of it, those needs all require the willingness to voice that with someone else.

Hey, I need help. I need feedback. I need your thoughts on this. I need someone to look over this because I’ve stared at it a million times.

The funny thing is, in writing this blog post alone, I have discovered that almost every expression of “I need to” can be rewritten as, “I don’t want…” FACT!

I need to create = I don’t want to create in a vacuum.

I need to define = I don’t want to be defined as…

My Brain Dump

Today, I feel discouraged AF. I’m in the middle of almost half a dozen customer support issues that were meant to take a minute and have now been hindering multiple days. I feel like I’m doing more work to figure it out than others are doing to help me (a common problem of mine that I am definitely going to have to BeMo about). I didn’t double-check a file download yesterday, which resulted in a cached file being sent to a printer which I now have to pay to redo. I sent all new print documents to my current manufacturer, and they won’t approve them for print because, for whatever reason, they won’t accept the publisher as a contributor (which is totally a thing in this case). And I’ve been working for months with what will become my new manufacturer, but communication is slow, back and forth, and often completely lost.

FUNCK Highlights

Cue the FUNCK: I feel frustrated AF… but I know whether or not I can work with someone for a successful product may be the responsibility I have as the Creative Founder and author, but it does not define the quality of my work or my being. Honestly, I am not defined by poor print quality (duh), even if it FEELS like I am when I see it right there in my hands glaring at me. I am also not defined by my mistakes. Mistakes are opportunities. Making mistakes almost always makes things better with a reapproach. I’m ok with it.

These are things I have to work through time and time again in my own BeMo Practice. That doesn’t make them any less learned. What that means, is that I am learning them faster. I am adding this know-ing solidly to my emotional toolbelt. Yes, I am operating in survival mode. But I am working toward thriving.

The problems don’t go away, but I can reapproach them with new information. I can take things off my plate or expect less of myself until these customer support issues are dealt with. I can hire someone else to deal with them. I can delegate. I can ignore them. I can do whatever I want! Because I am empowered to. I can allow change. I can allow priorities to shift. I can let things go. I don’t have to finish an argument with someone in order to finish the work I set out to do, even if it feels like that argument stands in the middle of the road I am on. I can go back. I can go over it. I can go through it. I can go around. That is what it is all about. These are the things I have come to know, without a doubt.

Positives

Cue: Positives list. I took a chance. I went out there and got something done that I was previously so afraid to do. I made a mistake, and I survived. I reached out to half a dozen people for connection, feedback, advice, venting, and just some living, breathing FUNCK practice which helps remind me that I know some really awesome people. I have a manufacturer! I am doing the work. I got really upset with one change after another yesterday and the way my time was being robbed, and I didn’t deal with it perfectly (I threw some shit, and I broke down in tears). I dealt with it so much better than I have in the past, which means I didn’t hurt myself, abandon my needs, hurt or emotionally attack anyone else, or abandon my family. I worked through it solidly with more speed and more certainty. I am doing better at allowing surprising discomforts and not getting too comfortable with the discomforts I grew up used to feel. At the end of the day (or, in this case, at the start of a new one), everything is actually pretty awesome. And it’s snowing! I LOVE snow. One of my favorite things to do is hike in a fresh snowstorm with my fur baby.

So, let’s go! Let’s try again, not because I need to do anything at all. I don’t need to do any of this. Let’s go and let’s try again because I know I can meet my needs for myself even when I get into a place that feels dark and not different enough from where I have been before (a topic for another day).