Cassandra "Caz" Stark

I’ve been struggling a lot with expectations and the weaved in post-traumatic-response to hypervigilant behaviors. I could tell I was feeling and dealing, staying on the surface in an attempt to just get through and stay on top of it. Still, I knew I kept skimming the surface and staying in struggle mode because I was unwilling to go through it. So, I decided to go deeper with my practice of know-ing.

I know in order to get a different result, I have to do it differently.

There’s nothing wrong with remaining in a feel-and-deal space for as long as you need. Feel-and-deal allows us to take in information and understand the choices – the now and the new.

I know what works for me, typically. I also know that if I get to a place where it feels like nothing is working and I can’t quite get through something, letting go and being where I am now (uncomfortable) is a way to move forward. For me, it is finally allowing an emotional free fall that somehow creates absolute stillness and an almost meditative, out-of-self understanding of my needs.

To get there, I cleared my schedule.

I stopped penciling in what to do or worrying about how to do anything. I knew I had to give myself time and space to really understand what was going on and allow the frustration and dealing to come to me. I was no longer going to run up with brute force and try to devour time rather than experience time.

I did it differently.

I decided my usual routine was not serving me – having my Home Assitant ramble off calendar reminders and weather announcements to me while I speed walk on the treadmill, cell phone in hand, rushing through notifications, and multitasking myself to a brain-dead purely empty state before I sit down to face a day in a mentality of “dealing” rather than the healing state of thriving!

Instead, I started my day by experiencing intention.

I write in my BeMo Journal at night. But I purposefully filled out the top of the next page with, “I Get To,” and set my journal on the side of the bed right where my feet would land in the morning.

At first, when I woke up, my thoughts went to, “What is this doing here?” I honestly didn’t remember – evidence of a good night of sleep which is always very welcome in my life. But I knew I had left it there for a reason and turned to the final page to figure out what that must be. “Oh, right! I get to…”

I took my BeMo to my infrared mat, flipped on a morning vibration of PEMF for good vibes only (is there any other mode?), and started scribbling away.

I get to choose to do my morning differently.
I get to relax and take a moment to realize the enoughness I have in my life.
I get to choose to go do dishes in the morning because I love to start a day fresh, and I love that Stark enjoys a good bowl of sugary cereal at night because truly that’s fun, and there was nothing better as a kid, so why not indulge even now?

The list went on until I had filled a full page.

I left my mat to go about my day – bloodwork for my nutritionist, product meetings, social media design, content this, product that, sales, frustration, all the usual entrepreneur stuff. But this time, it was different. This time it didn’t get to me. This time I was able to make smart decisions that allowed me to get more of the results that I wanted. I didn’t fall prey to unnecessary arguments. I didn’t feel hopeless by unforeseen issues. I just kept rolling with what I knew about myself and what I knew from my experience that would make things better. I faced the things that were making me uncomfortable. I let it be just that. Completely and totally uncomfortable. I let myself be annoyed. I let myself be frustrated. The only way out was through, and I know this is temporary.

The choice to start my morning differently was simple. The difference was doable. And for the first time in weeks, I ended a long, hard, difficult day of decisions and surprises with smiling, laughing, and practically doing cartwheels through my office (I would have if the clutter allowed) for the literal and emotional strides I had made that day.

The next day, I didn’t start my day with such enveloped intention. Things got worse again. Things felt impossible again. Frustrations took me to the very edge of wanting to throw shit and fight a person! I had to take a moment and get honest in with the FUNCK I was in.

If the manufacturing partnership I have continues to vibe in a completely opposite direction, causing this much fret for me over and over and over again, then I can say without a doubt that I’ve done the work to also know… it’s time to do that differently as well.

I’ve done the work to understand why I feel stressed and go to a preoperative place of wanting to throw a tantrum over unexpected problems.

I get to be very honest with myself in knowing where I am the one making something more difficult than it needs to be versus something that is literally more difficult than it needs to be.

At the end of this nearly two-week stress of dealing, I have come to the conclusion that the only way to heal this one is to let my manufacturer go. Because there’s plenty I get to do/be/know/grow/see and be a part of every day. I have come to the conclusion that this partnership is no longer one of them.

Today that is something I get to decide. I get to break up with a manufacturer. I get to invest in myself differently. I get to take a chance. And I get to realize, above everything else, that while this has been an incredibly difficult and challenging growth to experience, I am grateful for the difficult times that bottle rocket me to new heights. Because now, I get to take it to a new level, and I won’t look back and feel like I spent far too long in a place of comfort in order to avoid growing pains. I get to fail fast and understand that makes me a success and not a failure. I get to see my growth through all my growing pains. And I get to be proud of what’s to come.