Cassandra "Caz" Stark

This post was originally written and published for BeMo Journal and can be found here.

Being mindful of feelings and needs is key to any relationship – family, friends, or romantic.

Whether we like it or not, our relationships growing up influence our beliefs about the relationships we are in today. Cognitive reframing is the first step to reprogramming thoughts and behaviors to overcome negative feelings around any relationship.  

Relationship Disclaimer: Taking responsibility for doing the work to facilitate a change is not the same as holding blame.  

Working through a FUNCK between two individuals can feel like a land mine. You are only responsible for your emotional regulation and process.  

Your role here is not to guide anyone else through their self-awareness practice. You are only in charge of facilitating your Know-ing journey. You may know, without a doubt, that no matter how it feels to work through where you are in your relationship right now, you want to be in it! You’re all in! All the way! Or you may not know that as an absolute truth. Instead, you may feel alone or lost about the current status of your relationship. Either way, reframing negative beliefs in your relationship with a positive “I Get To” practice will help add to your Know-ing, over time.  

Getting Started With The “I Get To” Practice For Relationships

If you’re looking to reignite a relationship – connect with an old friend, appreciate your office bestie, or ignite a new fire within your romantic relationship – use the “I Get To” practice from your BeMo Extras.

This practice will help you move from feeling stagnant or skeptical in a relationship to a more positive and hopeful interaction empowered by positive empathy and beaming compassion. If you’ve been struggling with resentment in a relationship, this is a significant first step that you can repeat often and side by side with a Gratitude list.

Example 1: Working Through Difficulty In Your Relationship

If you’re starting from a belief of lovelessness and resentment: 

The “I Get To” practice can help change your perspective – moving away from packing on resentment and moving toward more compassion and understanding within your relationship.

New and old relationships easily find themselves in a place where they’ve learned to navigate each other’s walls. Relationships that have learned to live around each other rather than actively Know-ing each other tend to have two modes: tiptoe around the eggshells or be the bull in a china shop. Don’t crack eggs or dishes.  If you want it to be different, do it differently.  Both styles are evident by “you statements” spiraling through blame-shame cycles either toward the other person in the relationship or internally with yourself.

If you feel incredibly overwhelmed, depressive loneliness kicks in as you stack walls high and try not to share these hurtful statements directly with the people you’re frustrated with and start to hide venting from friends. Moving inward with big emotions is not the answer. Leave it on the page! Be willing to work through it over time.  

Feeling overwhelmed by this loneliness? You’re in the right place. So, let’s get started.

For an “I Get To” example, starting from a place that feels hopeless, loveless, or leaves you worried, start with Identifying Negative Beliefs through FUNCK.

Step 1: Identifying Negative Beliefs In Relationships

During your FUNCK process, briefly tap into the times you express always/never statements toward or about someone else and how that makes you feel.  

Hyperbolic statements are especially damaging to relationships because of the level of heated blame. To hear always/never arguments while feeling always/never about it is exhausting.  

If practice makes progress, take note of what you’re most often practicing.  Relationships can only take so much. Definitive emotional statements go deep, so do your best to practice compassionate, loving messages that are genuine. To do that, work through the FUNCK. Practice more “I Get To” lists and Gratitude.

These negative beliefs often sound like:

• You never do the dishes. I always have to clean up after you.
• You’re never around. I’m constantly taking care of the kids by myself!
• I did all this work for you, and you didn’t even thank me!

Please don’t get too lost in what it is you have said. Take note from a high level and choose to immediately move into “I Get To’s.”

Step 2: Turn “Have To” Into “Get To” 

After you’ve worked through the FUNCK about where you currently stand in your relationship, take note of the have to/always/never/should statements and try to flip the narrative. Take your time.

Here’s what this “I Get To” practice looks like:

• I get to do dishes and clean up after someone I care about.
• I get to do the dishes my way because it is important to me, and I know I can be particular about it.
• I get to ask for help if and when I need it because I get to be in this relationship and know I am not alone.
• I get to have some time to myself, which means I can do more of what I want while still being able to share my life with someone I know and love.
• I get to spend time with our kids and watch them grow. I get to see how brilliant they are and be a part of their struggles.
• I get to choose what I do for others.  
• I get to take this time to work on myself and put myself first.
• I get to continue tapping into where I am now, understanding my needs, and expressing what those needs look like in my Imagined Future practice.

Example 2: Celebrating Your Relationship

If you’re starting from a place of increasing love and hopefulness:

The “I Get To” practice can help amplify heart-warming feelings of love and Gratitude toward someone. Ride the high after a great trip with your friends, a laugh-out-loud brunch, a powerful career meeting, or flirty feelings with someone you love. Your “I Get To” practice can leave you beaming and help solidify positive emotions you already have.

Step 1: Pack Those Positives In Your Thriving Tool Kit

Thriving on breakthroughs of positivity is important to your future Know-ing when those positive feelings feel far away. Whenever you feel a breakthrough – big or small – pack those positives into your thriving tool kit. Celebrate it. Feel it. KNOW it. Know that you Can have these experiences.  

Whether you’re feeling just a minor sense of pride and hope, or feeling like you’re soaring on cloud nine, bring it to the page. Work through how it feels and ground yourself in what it is. Know-ing your ebbs and flows helps difficult days and fight/flight/freeze/faint triggers move through you and around you more swiftly in the future.

Groove with the FUNCK to celebrate positive feelings.  Need a reminder of how to work with a positive FUNCK practice, jump into this blog post here.

These positive beliefs often sound like:

• We had a fantastic conversation, and I feel so much closer. [Describe it through FUNCK – how it made you feel, what would your best friend say, etc.]
• We did something out of the ordinary. [Describe it through FUNCK]
• I shared what I needed and what fulfilling that need would look like, and I felt seen/heard/understood. [Describe it through FUNCK]

Step 2: Celebrate “Get Tos” 

In this example, you’re already in a great place. Recognize it. Solidify it! Take note of where you may have previously felt you “had to” and no longer feel that way.

Here’s what this “I Get To” practice looks like:

• I get to spend time with [person/relationship type], having great conversations about [be specific and reiterate the positive feeling].
• I get to choose to do things out of the ordinary, like get up and do a silly dance in a moment that previously would have been heated and resulted in something not as fun or joyful.
• I get to choose to do things differently, which sometimes looks like tapping out for a five-minute break before coming back and expressing what my need for safety, security, and knowing looks like to change that moment.

#BeMoJo Community Example

Now that we’ve gone through two different ways of using the “I Get To” practice in relationships, here is an example written by one of our BeMo Journalers.

I Get To

• I can’t believe I get to wake up early enough to catch bright pink sunrises and choose to make a coffee for my partner before he has to get up.
• I get to spend a quiet hour doing what I need for myself.
• I get to take the dog out for a walk every day while my partner has phone calls. I get to exercise, be outdoors, breathe fresh air, and enjoy mindfulness.
• I get to ask my partner about their day and share with them that I want to talk about the day over dinner.
• I get to tell him that I love it when he has the time to cook with me because we usually have the best conversations.
• I get to know that when he isn’t able to be there or help me with things, I have the choice to ask and wait for help or to stand in my Know-ing that we will make a plan to do something together soon.
• I get to choose what we get at the grocery store and whether or not we eat out because my family wants me to be happy.
• I get to skip out on things when they don’t feel good or helpful to me. I get to tell my partner why I am doing this so he knows I don’t need anyone to call me out. I get to ask for help. I get to take breaks. I get to work through the BS (belief system) that generally leads me to believe I “have to” do any of these things that typically lead me to resent anyone else that isn’t doing as much or working as hard as I am.  
• I get to work on these things because I have the luxury of spending time and energy on myself.