Cassandra "Caz" Stark

I’m getting wordy. I’m sitting at my desk with my puppy in the window, waiting ever so patiently to go outside, but like all kids waiting on their mothers to go somewhere – I’m talking too much!

In this case, talking is in the form of writing. I’m aiming for a Hemingway-amount of straight-to-the-point words to explain how attachment theory, needs, and core beliefs are all prerequisites to self-actualization, nirvana, or as the author, Mark Manson so eloquently puts it, your “give-a-fucks” list.

My attachment style? Disorganized.

Ironic, I know. But as you sit here listening to me ramble on neurotically with the words flooding from my brain to my fingers with absolutely no filter, you get it. You don’t even have to major in psychology or understand attachment styles to get it. Disorganized AF! The irony of being disorganized is how incredibly organized I am under the weight of perfectionism. I’ve let that shit go through. So here we are. You get to read me out like Chuck Palahniuk awakening. Horrifying! Not really…

So, let’s talk about Maslow’s theory of motivation.

I have a particularly strong soap box around “productivity” and the number of organizational tools toting happiness in the name of task-list and human-doing completion. No! Just no. Get off that train. Here’s why.

In the depths of pivotal tweenagedom started the truly volatile relationship between my father and me. But even then, to not have to actually deal with anything I was going through or care to have an understanding of it, my dad went on and on about three things: Stephen Covey and all his effective people BS*, Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, and his most said quote, “Perception is the only truth.”

*(Note: You’ll soon discover when I say BS, I am referring to a combination of bull shit and belief systems. Covey was at the core of our family BS.)

Don’t get me started on the “Perception is the only truth” thing. That is the biggest load of BS ever fed to me for no other reason than being taught that only one perception had validity in our family. So, debunked. Let it go. That BS no longer serves me.

I am having a hard time letting go of as I write this guide on attachment styles, unmet needs, and negative BS (belief systems) is the perception of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs.

Recap!

One thing to note, it’s actually based on his theory of motivation. Yes, these are needs. But when you understand its real naming and purpose, it starts to make a lot more sense.

Growing up, I was given the super Boomer explanation that you can’t have a house until you have a career, you can’t have a career until you have a job, and you can’t have love until you have all of the above. Yup. That was the understanding I was made to have. Maslow’s pyramid was: get a house, have security, and then someone will love you, so the rest will just fall into place.

Cue: Heaven’s gates and self-actualization.

Maybe now you can imagine how hard it is for me to write no more than 10 succinct sentences on attachment-needs-beliefs. *facepalm*

Since we’ve thrown out perception as truth and let go of that enmeshed BS (bull shit belief system), let’s talk about what Maslow’s theory of motivation actually says.

With great care and interest, Maslow talks about how at any given moment (not a guaranteed ladder of life’s steps to happiness), if we find ourselves in dire need of food, water, and shelter, the rest goes out the window! And guess what? This makes sense! Even if you view your role as a mother as responsible for her family and their needs, if you’re caught in a flashflood while hiking with your family, and all you really need is clean water, shelter from the storm, and a bowl of hot soup, you’re not going to be accomplishing anything higher in that pyramid! You aren’t safe. Therefore, you cannot provide safety. You are a mom, but you can’t get eye-to-eye with your children now and make a truly concerted effort at a connection to ensure they feel like they belong. Ya, you’re making memories. But these are trauma memories, not the safe, met-needs kind. That is Maslow’s point.

Now, let’s visit what that would mean in my previous understanding. I’m in a flood. This is my fault. We have no shelter. The sky is falling. Children are soaked. We’re not going to make it. There’s nothing I can do because I have a house that isn’t here. I have a career; please put, “I was a damn good executive and made enough money once upon a time to make my parents proud” on my headstone. I will be screaming, “Why me?” while adding a lot more fear to my children’s lives while trying desperately to climb a mud wall to safety.

Ya… that just happened. Except, it didn’t!

When we tell ourselves that we deserve something because we already accomplished X, Y, and Z in the correct order and, therefore, life owes us due to our suffering, we are causing suffering for ourselves and everyone around us to validate unmet needs.

Every action is an attempt to meet our needs.

Are you proud of most of your actions?

If we do not have an understanding of what we really need at any given moment, we drown in these proverbial waters as we try to pinpoint if it is about ourselves, our families, the mud, the water, or the fact that this shouldn’t be happening to us right now!

Shit happens.

The 12-Step program summarizes this with the term HALT. They teach you to not make any decisions whatsoever if you are ever Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired. In Maslow’s terms, these are basic physiological and safety needs.

So, guess what that means? That means that no matter what roles you have created for yourself in your life and beliefs you have about those roles (executive bossy boss, peacekeeper, best friend, parent), you cannot actually build trust, connection, a sense of belonging, self-esteem, or reach your full potential (or that of anyone you feel responsible for) if you don’t take care of basic needs which according to HALT includes emotions. If you do not show up for yourself, understand what it is you actually need, and then pull at the string of that unmet need as it has been sewn throughout your entire life, your HALT will amplify into childlike tantrums. Those always/never/black/white/victimizing/martyr behaviors will show up in your physical health, environment, emotional reactions, relationships, ability to deal with plans/time/control, career, finances, and spirituality. And like a plague, it will spread farther into those areas of your life and make your tantrums much bigger until you deal. That, of course, is assuming you choose to stay. Some of us avoid the Mount Vesuvius level blow-up by constantly leaving situations that do not feel good and then doing whatever we have to gather evidence about why that was the right thing to do without pulling that thread to figure out why we keep doing it. Eventually, you’ll get sick of being on the run from yourself.

In the BeMo Method I have created, we always talk about FUNCK. I originally came up with the term FUNCK because of my roots in music. But there’s a lot more punny and true about FUNCK. I jokingly (yet seriously) like to remind people to not leave their needs out of the center of dealing with a FUNCK. Because if you dismiss your needs, you’re FUCKed instead. And that’s very true. To put it lightly, if you’re dealing with your FUNCK, you’re going through feelings, you, need, can, know, and it looks like my previous post. If you forget to utilize the practice to uncover and meet your needs, you’re just left with feelings you can know in a very skewed way. It comes out more like, “I am mad. You are an idiot. You can go to hell. I know you’re a liar.” Ouch! Emotional mayhem. One is about feelings you need to develop appropriate can and know statements. The other is feelings railroading straight through the rest of it.

If we do not understand what we need to get to where we want to be – whether on Maslow’s pyramid or not – we put it all on those around us. We may be nice to our best friends but horrible to our partners. We may be nice to our partners but crumble beneath our bosses. We may be nice bosses but take it out on our children. Check yourself before you wreck yourself.