Cassandra "Caz" Stark

Do you ever get that feeling like you’re falling in reverse? I mean that crazy notion that you were far more capable of things 20 some-odd years ago than you are now.

Maybe this is the stuff that mid-life crises are made of – that depressing realization that you were far more capable of everything yesterday than you will be again. But I don’t think it’s that. I’m not talking about the throw-out-your-back-doing-dishes type of capability. I’m talking about an ability to communicate, handle, move on, move past, or decide on without a crushing sense of what if.

I’m not going to lie. I was a badass teen forged in the fires of severe bullying that forced a make-or-break mentality to figure-my-shit-out-on-my-own. I did it. I did it well.

I was a strong individual. I solidified that strength by being rebellious while simultaneously grasping the larger concept of unity. I got all this from punk rock culture – skanking my way backward into decades in the music business as everything from a journalist to a tour manager. For me, it was life, so of course, it could also be a living.

Even back then, it wasn’t lost on me that this worked for me for no other reason than what I had to rebel against sent me in a much better direction in life. To be opposite of the things that had forged me meant that I could be inclusive, willing, open-minded, and assertive. This was quite literally the opposite of everything I was used to. I was not there to judge others. I understood that everyone was on their own journey, in their own place, and moving at their own pace. Who was I to judge?

Cue: Wondering why I’m not as smart or capable as my 16-year-old self?

Surely the answer can’t just be, “A lot has happened since then.” That’s true for anyone. Reflecting on what has happened doesn’t allow me to walk away from it as an excuse. In fact, quite the opposite, it leaves me angry that so much more has happened to me as an adult in order to convince me that I really am no more than a child.

I give that a big, fat, hmmm.

I like to question things. This is how I get past things. So, let’s flip it and reverse it. Now it says: So much happened to me as a child to convince me I had to be an adult.

Well, that checks out!

Maybe I’m just exhausted! Maybe I know too much. Maybe ignorance was bliss, and that’s why growing up is the bee’s knees. Maybe, just maybe, I spent a lifetime in a shit comfort zone, and the reason I feel less capable now is for no greater reason than this is all new territory to me.

Mmm hmm. Checks out again.

Let’s FUNCK it out.

Feeling

I feel less capable than my former self when I let people surprise me in bad ways, or situations take the rug out from under my feet because I believe I’m supposed to be better than this and get through things easily by now.

You

You were a badass teen. I remember. You were also crushed under the constant threat that what you were was “too much” and “not right” and “offensive” from the very people who were supposed to see and support you; create safety for you in your life. That’s not fair. But I’m here for you. I get it. Let’s keep working on this.

Need

I need openness, discovery, and support from myself to be mindful of just how far I have come.

Can

I can work more in my reparenting guide to nurture myself and have a reminder of how far I have come from then until now.

I can share my experience with others and see if they feel the same way.

I can celebrate how much I know and the challenges that arise in my life because of that knowledge.

Know

I know I am a work in progress, and that is ok.

I know it is ok to not be capable of absolutely everything or to have to take a moment to figure things out. That is exactly the kind of slow down, be present attitude I’ve been working on.