Cassandra "Caz" Stark

I’ve been thinking a lot about BS (belief systems) since I fast-passed a rewrite of my BeMo Renurturing Guide based on a demand I didn’t yet expect. 

I created the BeMo Pocket Guide and BeMo Renurturing Guide as somewhat abridged versions of the BeMo book I am writing. They’re straight to the point without getting into the psychology behind it or personal stories about how it works – all things included in the actual book. I didn’t even plan to release the Renurturing guide until next Spring. The guide is a more advanced approach to the BeMo journaling method I’ve created. And… you guessed it… one of the main features of advancing self-healing and deepening self-awareness is identifying BS (belief systems) going to town on your internal thought patterns and outer behaviors.  

Let’s treat this like a recipe for deeper thought. Set that aside to simmer for a minute. Let’s work on the main dish. (Sorry, not sorry, I love to cook and rarely repeat recipes; this is how my brain works).

I had a really good, calm weekend. Fall was in the air. I took last Friday off to go on an annual 18-mile hike with my Stark and his dad. The views were absolutely gorgeous. We stayed strong to our Saturday morning routine of doing a crossword together over brunch. And we went with friends to an Oktoberfest celebration where the food was better than usual, and the beer had more variety than in previous years. All good.

Monday came rolling in with a vengeance that only Mondays can have over you as if to punish you for not having Sunday Scaries in anticipation of Monday’s wrath. I started the day with big excitement – inviting over 30 people into a BeMo Product Testing program. I had only an expectation of glory! Instead, every leak in the system immediately exposed itself with proverbial burst pipes. I sat at my desk in pajamas with unbrushed hair until nearly 5pm before I had a chance to step away (aka “one of those days”).  

Still, as stressful as the “morning” was (ya, the one that lasted all 8 hours with no lunch and too much focus to finish drinking a single cup of coffee), I was proud of myself. These are the things I love to put into my Positive list at the end of my BeMo Practice. This is where I get to recognize the difficulty (something we so often dub as negative) and how I dealt with it differently (ta-da! positive!!!). The difficulty of the day didn’t really get to me for no other reason than being immensely proud of myself for not taking it too seriously, for remaining kind in situations where I previously would have felt attacked or “in trouble.” I also felt immensely grateful that I got one of the things I wanted most out of this product testing: a chance to test every aspect of the behind-the-scenes process.

Finally getting around to putting on real clothes, I was riding out a challenging day on the high, recognizing my growth in taking it all in stride. So, Monday challenged me further. The evening dared to get worse. So, when I sat down in my dedicated journaling corner to begin working through the day BeMo-style, I found myself going to an entirely different place as I started to free-write through the Brain Dump portion of the process. This happens a lot now that I’ve dug into the “why” of stress hundreds of times. I skip right past the present situation and what is really at work surfaces. Viola! 

I didn’t mention a single aspect of my day. Instead, I went 12 pages deep on a storyline I’ve rehashed more times than I count over the last 20 years. I trust the process. So I let it go. I let it go as deep as it wanted to go and prayed that no one interrupted me in this very raw, vulnerable hour and a half of reflecting on an era of my life I didn’t even think was on my mind.

Now we’re back to renurturing. Take the Renurturing Guide and add to taste.

I started my own renurturing practice roughly 14 months ago. Renurturing is extremely hard. I was already very conscious of trauma and neglect in many areas of my life. I had been “doing the work” for decades. I understood this at an emotional level and logically from studying psychological behavior. But I had spent decades circling the drain filled with very expired storylines that wouldn’t disappear. It stunk!

I advanced my renurturing process by cracking open one childhood journal after another. Within weeks, I had read every word I had written from the age of 6 to the age of 12. Since I’ve wanted to be a writer for as long as I can remember, that was several journals filled with dyslexic scribbles. I had to stop. I had to step away and take a break from it all. My initial reason for starting that journey was to discover how I could be a good parent someday. With one foot in the past, actively reading my inner child’s still fragmented thoughts. One foot in the present, discovering that having children would be a near-impossible battle for me, I had to step away to be emotionally, mentally, and physically safe.  

I walked with baby Cassie from the preoperative age of 6 to a shattered understanding of myself by 12. The journey was heartbreaking. The memories felt as fresh as the day I wrote about them. There was absolutely no denying my truth anymore. It is right here. I’ve kept a history.  

In recent studies, I learned that a child’s brain is incapable of creating misconceptions. In other words, it lacks the logical ability at such an age to be manipulative. Parents who believe their children are manipulative are actually seeing a reflection of mirrored behaviors. A preoperative child lacks the ability to actually know and therefore intend to truly deceive another. So, while many people close to me would have me continue to believe it is all lies and drama, I know that a 6-year-old can’t have the thought pattern or foresight of saying to themselves, “I’m going to write this totally false journal for years and years to do nothing more than incriminating these people in the future. I’ll get them someday. “

Nope. Like many stories of abuse and trauma, the child is the one that has to carry it, remember it, have an account of it, live through it, deal with it, and try their absolute f*(*&#$ing hardest to get over it while the abuser has absolutely no idea that something wrong, unfair, or inappropriate ever took place. Cue gaslighting trope: What’s your problem?

As I worked through this familiar memory on Monday night, more was coming up for me. I was remembering things more cohesively and filling in previously unlooked-at timeframes as I rewatched this memory play like an old movie flickering at the back of my mind. Because I haven’t revisited this memory since deepening my renurturing process just over a year ago, I chose to implement some of those renurturing guidelines from my own book by identifying the BS (belief systems) at play here, and naming them, naming what was wrong with this situation, and writing a solid you-note for myself releasing myself from the beliefs I held about myself as a result.

Side note:  Renurturing is based on the psychotherapies for reparenting, inner child work, and Internal Family Systems therapy, all put together in my own way and presented BeMo style.

I finished my FUNCK process and ended with a much-needed Positive List, closed my BeMo, and crawled into bed, ready to sleep without any of this working through my subconscious. Released so that I may now refresh. My mind has learned to trust the time and space I dedicate to letting these subconscious thoughts be heard. As a result, I’ve slept better in the last year than I have for decades before that.

The work I did on Monday has made me think about many BS (belief systems) that have been detrimental to my life and those close to me. While a lot of psychology discusses negative core beliefs specifically within CBT, such as, “I am helpless. I am worthless. I am unlovable.” Nobody gets into the full scope of negative BS (belief systems) that hurt us. BS (belief systems) are taught to us from our earliest caregivers and most impactful memories. A sense of importance is instilled in us based on what we are given… or not given; told… or not told. Seems like you’re damned if you do, damned if you don’t? Let me explain.

If you are given love and caregivers form a healthy connection with you where your emotions are heard, seen, and known. If your parents set and kept healthy boundaries with you, teaching you wrong and right in a safe, communicated environment, then you are completely fine. Many of us envy you. Thank you for being secure and being here as someone willing and wanting to hear, see, know, and support someone else in your life.

If you weren’t given these things, then you were likely given BS (belief systems) about love rather than feeling that love and connection safely and securely from your caregivers. So, you were still given something, and it probably wasn’t great. This is where a lot of what you get told or exemplified takes over preoperative thought and becomes the justification or self-blame for what you lacked (aka your unmet needs both then and now). The trick is to figure out what was communicated to you even if it came from a lack of communication (aka, no one said anything to me when I told them I got a good grade, so it must not matter).

I started to unearth some of those more complicated belief systems that come up from what we are “told” or “exemplified” as most important (e.g., church, education, etc. – literal “systems” built on beliefs).

Disclaimer:  Not everything you believe is wrong. What you were taught as good or bad, right or wrong, isn’t all… wrong. Nor is attempting to instill belief, hope, and choices in your children… wrong. Negative BS (belief systems) are precisely that: negative. If the BS (belief system) you feel or use in your life no longer serves you, hasn’t helped you, and is meant to set you apart from others in any way at all… let it go. Likewise, if what you are communicating to your child comes across as “shoulding” or “better than” in any way, consider revisiting this teaching moment by asking more questions and instilling fewer beliefs.

If you want to unearth complicated BS (belief systems) in your life, reverse analyze the criticisms and comparisons spoken to and around you.

[TRIGGER WARNING] Examples of complicated BS (belief system) I have observed recently:

BS: “If you dressed that way. You were asking for it.”

BS: “If you [went to church/hung out with the right people], bad things wouldn’t happen to you.”

BS: “If the problem persists. You are the problem.”

BS: “Perception is the only truth.” (AKA what others think about you/us matters more than your truth)

BS: “If you don’t attend church, then you are not following Christ’s teachings.”

BS: “If you went to [school], then you didn’t get a real degree.” OR “If you only got [degree], you didn’t really go to school.” OR “You’ll be sorry if you don’t get a [their definition of “real”] education/make any real money.”

BS: “If you got fired, you probably [deserved it/weren’t qualified, to begin with,/were to blame for something].”

BS: “The nicer you are, the more people will take advantage of you.”

I don’t need to continue. The point is, not all BS (belief systems) fit into a formula of “I did [something wrong],” which is the way you’ll read about it in Abstracts and Psych Magazines. Often what does the most damage to our beliefs about ourselves is behind the scenes of those surface “I am” statements – when others gaslight us, criticize us, tell us what it is we need, tell us what to believe, and basically speak for us rather than work on their own sense of security so that they can actually hear you.  

Do not mistake other people’s WALLS for the BOUNDARIES you set or keep for yourself. Walls cause wars – within ourselves and with others. Boundaries are checkpoints for you to recognize CHOICE and ALLOWANCE.

Before we go, now that everything has simmered, let’s discard the scraps of BS (belief systems) and serve the main dish spiced with affirmations and knowing.

Unearthing BS (belief systems) can feel hopeless if you don’t continue to work through the FUNCK.  

BS (belief systems) are often described between the lines of your Feelings practice.  

Let’s assume we identified this as the BS between the lines of our Feelings practice: “If the problem persists, you are the problem. Perception is the only truth. You were asking for it. You deserved this to happen to you.”

If you want to dig deeper, ask yourself about your earliest memories of these beliefs. When did this BS first get into your mind? Who put it there? Who continued to instill that belief in you? What self-fulfilling prophecies came about as a result – the repeated parts of adulthood that led you to say, “See, this is true about me!”

If you want to go to the surface and deal with a storyline you’ve already reshared with yourself, identify the common negative belief at the surface of the BS you’ve uncovered. In this case, “I am in trouble” (aka my fault, deserved it, problem). Use your negative beliefs Wheel in your BeMo to identify the center of that belief. In this case, “I am worthless.”  

After defining the BS (belief systems) at play, wrap yourself in a hug of self-compassion and write a loving “You Note.”

You are my favorite! I am so sorry you are feeling this and going through this right now, but damn, girl, I love you so much. You can never be in trouble with me. You have meant so much to me for so long now. Please know that you are not worthless. That is the biggest BS ever. I can’t believe anyone ever told you that or tried to make you feel that way. F(*&K those people. Honestly. I’ve got you. We can get through this.

Now that you’ve identified the center of the BS (“I am worthless”) use your Needs Wheel to find the opposite. Go through the Wheel to determine what resonates as the right need for you at this time. Clearly, you need a sense of worth.

For example, I need to surround myself with people who champion and support me as I aim to improve, who call me out on what is wrong rather than telling me I am the wrong one and are willing to see me, hear me, and know me even in difficult times when it may not be convenient for them to hear me out.

Great! Now we’re cooking with gas. 

Let’s move on. What “Can” you dish up as a side to match this tasty Needs menu?

Need inspiration? Turn your BS (belief systems) into affirmation statements – opposite truths. This is tried and proper practice of Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) used for subconscious reprogramming.

I have the solution I need.

I am a beacon of my truth.

I am deserving of love.

I was born worthwhile.

I do not need to earn or deserve anything in my life. It is my intrinsic right.

Positive affirmations that work against the BS we are used to will help you to dig up a list of possibilities. Your “Can” list is a mental toolbox to help you go to battle against BS.

For example: When I feel like things are all my fault, I am the problem, and I am worthless, I can recognize that this is complete BS and I can differentiate the situations where I feel this way from the root of those in my life who actively delivered these messages to me. This will help me be less reactive to people in my life that I have transferred traumatic perceptions onto, such as my boss or my boyfriend, and know that these messages came from earlier authority figures and caregivers in my life that are not them.

(That was an advanced answer. Now for some more accessible solutions…)

I can take a deep breath and practice mindful meditation.

I can go for a walk and see how I feel after I step away from the moment.

Lastly, practicing what you Know is your shield against overwhelming BS. Stand against the BS messages given to you throughout your life by writing out exactly what they aren’t true – the final step in a dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) practice. Practice this often.

I know I am not the problem, nor did I ask for this or deserve for bad things to happen to me. I know nobody deserves to have bad things happen to them! I know that I will stand up for myself until my truth is heard. I know it matters most that I believe in my own truth. I know I have been given conflicting information about right vs. wrong my whole life and that just because someone else can’t come to terms with “good” people doing “bad” things, I am learning and understanding the constructs of good vs. bad are just further BS. To be present in the truth and a cohesive reality, I do not have to forgive bad people or forget that I have always deserved good things; I can understand the truth and let go of the rest. I know this is something I am working on, and I will continue to do the work until I am free of the effect of these negative thoughts and storylines.