Cassandra "Caz" Stark

I’ve been taking my FUNCK practice to a new level as of late, and it has been a rollercoaster of emotions.

At the core of the BeMo practice, I get to learn how to feel my feelings without having to prove them as “fact” or “reality” to anyone else. I show up for myself. I hear myself. I know myself. And I get to what the facts are. Ultimately, all of my emotions feel validated for no reason other than a complete understanding of what it is I need to combat the BS (belief systems) that are overwhelming me (the part that tries to prove emotions as facts). I get out of my FUNCK by understanding what I can do, what I know about myself, and what I am going through.

It works!

But this newer layer and attitude of “FUNCK that BS” has been an awakening.

I’ve been developing and using the BeMo practice for over 2 1/2 years. Yet I still get to learn something new about myself as I am willing to face and peel back the layers of what I am allowing myself to talk about, feel, and know.

Unearthing BS (belief systems) is a practice in and of itself. To do this, I tap into my knowledge of my attachment style and the negative beliefs often associated with that attachment style. But in all honesty, you don’t have to have this understanding to find the BS (belief system) at work in the middle of an emotional situation. All you need to do is be open to understanding what is happening in an emotional crisis and understand where those negative beliefs started for you in life. Without being willing to say, “Ok. Ya. I do believe that, and that started for me as a child because of…” then it is tough to overcome negative beliefs and move past them without letting them trigger an automatic coping mechanism (aka survival of the fittest, so let me prove just how emotionally fit I am by insisting on my emotional truth louder than you can).

Let’s go over a real-world example.

I feel exhausted because it seems my life is destined to remember random shit, but I feel like it actually goes nowhere. I feel sick of remembering awful things and having flashbacks – manifesting suicidal truths during every sleepless window of time in my life. I feel annoyed, unsafe, and targeted when people I expect to be close to are the ones that make sure I stay in my place, my boundaries are violated, and I feel like I am kept in check with criticism, disrespect, and disregard. I feel concerned that my pros-only list deflates because the main area I lack support within this relationship is genuine support for being joined in happiness, hope, or positive energy.

Yes, feelings can be challenging. Even in the healthiest and most secure situations, we can be triggered to have to survive a situation that feels all too familiar or repeated. We can do the work to find out why. We can understand our feelings and where we stand in this situation every time it comes up. The best way to stop repeating emotional problems is to blow it up! Dig it out. Question it rather than questioning yourself and holding yourself responsible.

So, let’s dig out the BS (belief systems) in this FUNCK statement.

The same statement, now with highlights:

I feel exhausted because it seems my life is destined to remember random shit, but I feel like it actually goes nowhere. I feel sick of remembering awful things and having flashbacks – manifesting suicidal truths during every sleepless window of time in my life. I feel annoyed, unsafe, and targeted when people I expect to be close to are the ones that make sure I stay in my place, my boundaries are violated, and I feel like I am kept in check with criticism, disrespect, and disregard. I feel concerned that my pros-only list deflates because the main area I lack support within this relationship is genuine support for being joined in happiness, hope, or positive energy.

When I scan over the description of these feelings, I immediately see these words. Let’s use these words to unearth the BS (belief systems) at play here.

The BS (Belief Systems) At Play Here Are: 

I am responsible.  

I am out of control.  

I am stagnant.  

I am alone. 

FUNCK that BS!

Why are these the core beliefs at play? When I piece together “destined, goes nowhere, manifesting, unsafe, targeted, violated, and lacking support” into one list and compare it to what I know about messages instilled in me from a very young age (regardless of the reason or if it was purposeful), I understand that my BS (belief systems) at play are fears I’ve had that go back as long as I can remember. I fear being held responsible for someone else’s bad decisions or emotional state. I fear surprises and a lack of control. I fear being stagnant, unmoveable, and unable to get out. I fear feeling alone because I feel unsupported like someone is against me rather than with me.

Now, I’m not arguing these statements as truths. I’m not trying to validate them. I don’t need to figure out how or why they check out. I unearth them, and I leave them there. All you have to do is go, “Hmm. That’s interesting…” To do more with it is to need to prove it and therefore continue to be a victim of it. This information is there for us to understand why our automatic coping mechanism or need to survive is triggered. To give it too much is to give way to survival. To recognize, accept, and continue the FUNCK practice is to let go of the need to survive and understand that you can instead thrive.

So, here’s what you do with that information now. Use your BeMo Pocket Guide or the BeMo book to recognize the BS (belief system) at play for you, and then overlay your beliefs wheel with the needs wheel.

The core belief at the center of this BS (belief system) where I have discovered a fear of responsibility, lack of control, stagnancy, and alone is the statement: “I am helpless.” When compared to the needs wheel, the opposite of helplessness is Certainty. The keywords within the realm of Certainty that I identify with most are Consistency, Safety, Boundaries, and To Be Joined.

So, We Move On With The FUNCK Practice.

F: We’ve already done.

U: You have provided so much consistency for yourself in life, and I know that it can be exhausting to feel like you’re the only person constantly showing up for that need. But I assure you, you are safe with me. I am here for you whenever you need to talk.  

N: Use those statements discovered on the Needs Wheel to list your needs.

I need consistency in my environment so I can feel safe.  

I need my boundaries to be set and respected.  

I need to be joined on positive days when I feel up, happy, and hopeful because it matters to me to be joined during the highs and not just in hard times.

If your needs list involves asking for or needing something from others, such as your partner or family members, add additional information about what fulfilling that need looks like for you and be willing to share. For example, I need to be joined on positive days when I feel up, happy and hopeful because it matters to me to be joined during the highs and not just in hard times. What this looks like to me is my partner wanting to do something fun or spontaneous with me when we both feel like it or celebrating a recent success with words of affirmation and something as simple as a high five or a hug. If stating this need is particularly hard to do with someone else, be sure to discuss a time when they successfully helped fill that need for you. But remember, it is no one else’s responsibility to “make you” or “do for you.” The only real need you can ever require of someone else is the need for connection. Suppose you have a need you are struggling to meet for yourself because it ultimately involves connection (such as to be joined in something). In that case, all you can do is fulfill your need for communication by expressing what that need looks like and allowing someone else to join you or not.  They always have a choice, just like you have the option of what to do with that information if they continue to break a connection with you in areas you need and ask for help.

C: What can you do to fulfill these needs for yourself?

I can recognize what I have done to set boundaries and ask others to respect my space for me to feel consistent and safe within my environment. If they continue to violate my need for safety and request boundaries within my home and safe space, I can choose to meet them outside.

I can share with others how fulfilling my need for connection looks. I can ride my positive highs by doing something nice for myself – buying something small, going out for a chai, adding a gold star to my journal, having a momentary hell yeah dance party for how I am feeling, celebrating the day with a book and a bubble bath.

K: What is it that you know about yourself or have unearthed before that can help you combat future BS (belief system) triggers and reduce the knee-jerk reaction for automatic coping mechanisms for survival (fight, flight, freeze, or faint)? Do you know those needs are met elsewhere and in other situations – combating all-or-nothing speak or black-and-white thinking? 

I know I am not responsible for whether or not other people are happy or having a good time – that is on them, and it is ok for others to be uncomfortable or unhappy. I know it doesn’t mean I have to remove them from my life or disregard them because then I am projecting an action that triggers me when others treat me this way. However, I know it can be a fine line for me to feel responsible for someone else’s emotions and still be ok with letting them feel their feelings without trying to rewrite their truths, bring myself down to validate them, or take on their feelings as my own. So I can be careful and expose myself only in small, safe situations until I am better at not taking on emotional responsibility.

I know it is ok not to be in control of everything in my life and that a lack of power does not mean a lack of insight or change. I know that feeling a need for control in my life can rob me of the change and growth I seek, so I can allow myself not to be an expert in or familiar with everything in my life at all times. I know those moments when I don’t fully understand what is going on because I am in a new place in my life (growing and changing), and my emotional understanding is new territory.

I know I have grown so much in the last year and that through this practice alone, I am anything but stagnant.  

I know that I show up for myself, and I do the work. I know I can FUNCK that BS, and I am not alone when I do.

FUNCK that BS (belief system) with your own BeMo Practice. The BeMo Pocket Guide and printable guides are available in the BeMo Shop to help you work through BS (belief systems) that no longer serve you and practice letting it go.

This post was originally published on the BeMo Blog.