Cassandra "Caz" Stark

There’s something about being a Capricorn that puts a little extra flair into the overall obsession I feel about New Year’s recaps and resolutions. For the last decade, I’ve honed it in to choosing a one word resolution to define the all-encompassing goal for every tiny choice I make throughout the new year. It comes to me more as a feeling – an idea or a hope for what it is I want to accomplish with myself. I like the concept of the one word resolution because of its ease-of-use! Keeping one word with you at all times brings about a sense of mindfulness for the choices you make throughout the year.

Overall, maybe it is just me. I’m a little crazy about making lists and having every moment of my life defined to some sort of task or goal, no pressure. In our family, I am the one that gets entirely jazzed about defining everything I want to accomplish in one, quick term. It isn’t exactly Stark’s cup of tea to consider a path before he takes it. To each his own! He is, after all, the more calm and centered of the two of us. But for me, resolutions are the entire core of me!

With a January birthday, resolutions come just in time to put a bow on my one word of truth and wrap it up as a fantastic excuse for wisdom with age. So as I embark on my 36th year, I feel I’ve chosen wisely. My word? Presence.

I choose presence because of that! That exactly! “I choose presence.” (See, I’m already doing it.)

For me, presence is where I have always struggled. Like the rest of my family, I am incredibly nostalgic. In fact, I can be nostalgic to a fault. I feel that I can cycle so far down the path of “back in the day” that I fall victim to the present. I don’t want to focus on what has happened or what it amounts to. Math never has been my happy place, so why spend so much time calculating whether or not I have arrived based on where I have been?

Likewise, being a near psychopath of goal-oriented lifestyle, I can get just as hysterical about the future. Stark likes to point out that logistics tend to be our family’s battleground. Being so focused on goals can often turn in on itself. For me, I can turn into a bitter and judgmental person – constantly working out the success ratio between to-do and to-done. See: Hates math, calculating again.

I choose presence.

Presence is an all-encompassing word for me that envelops both love and happiness. And presence is the very epitome of gratitude.

In the past, I have struggled to be present because presence always felt like complete and utter loneliness… or boredom. Throughout my life, I have been so career centered and perpetually propelling myself into the next big thing, that I felt my own, compounding version of the “rat race” and my energy levels could no longer compete. I’ve learned (often the hard way) that too many projects gives me the paradox of choice and that goal-oriented, future-focused mind of mine tends to freeze and shut down over the logistical battlefield of trying to calculate the most precise, time-saving way of crossing my t’s and dotting my i’s. If I don’t have enough to do, I often procrastinate my way into feeling inspiration under pressure. If I don’t time it just right, surprise projects fill my plate and there I am in scenario A again – spending more time mapping maneuvers than actually maneuvering!

For most of my life, presence has eluded me. Being a creative, emotionally-powered being, I could never separate how to be present without focusing on fleeting feelings. And therefore, my attempts at mindfulness became more ragefulness. #Fail

In the weeks leading up to a new year and a new decade, I found myself thrown into a month of self-analysis. Not so painlessly, I started reverse engineering the long list of things I so easily insisted ‘made me’ unhappy. Experiencing this emotional detox led me through a full array of emotions, and I would like to take this opportunity thank Stark for his survival skills… thus far. What I really had to find out for myself was the difference between the things that completely drain me and the things that make me feel whole.

I thought I had a good hold on this. I pride myself in my own self-awareness to the point of complete ego at times (see, I’m aware), but the last decade taught me anything at all, it taught me that what I need seems ever-changing, but at its core – I’m basic and proud! Even after traveling the world, marking off my 45th country in 10 years and living in some of the most iconic and beautiful places in the world, at the end of the day the things that make me the happiest bring me the most balance: long-long outdoor walks, lazy nights with the love of my life, planning and cooking meals together, and reading at night.

I don’t know about you, but the last time I checked all of those things are truly present acts that bring love and happiness into life. None of them are necessarily goal centered. None of it brings anxiety or a sense of “gotta get this done” into my life. And everything can be done on my own or with the added company of those I love – making it that much better.

At its core, this year is all about how I spend my time – consciously. In simple yogi terms: Let go of that which does not serve you. In any given moment, what I choose and who I choose to do it with should serve me; should be in alignment with what brings me a sense of balance and energy. I believe by consciously participating in the things that I care deeply about will ultimately allow me to care deeply about more things.

This year, I will be more conscious about what I say yes to, and in turn, I will be more conscious of the things I should not be so against. While recent years have provided a great deal of growth and transition, this will be my break through. This will be my new beginning for a life that is all my own. I will no longer live with the weight or projected expectations of the past. I will no longer be compelled by a future that I can seize today, in this moment!

Like most, I arrive at the end of the year and often look back and wonder where the time went. My procrastinations are usually most practiced on my own personal goals or to-do lists that bring balance to my life. I know there is no end to what there is to do, and there is no end to the list of things we each perceive as being most important. There is no, “Just this one thing,” before you can get to what matters most. What matters most is now. And that “one thing” should matter most or get out of the way!

This year I will finally know what it is to be a human being and not a human doing. This is my practice. This is my presence.

Happy New Year to you!

This is my first little drawing of the New Year – inspired by Robin Banks New Year’s tutorial on Retro Supply.

This post brought to you by:

A delicious cup of perfect, frothy locally made Chai from La Barba